The Darkness

It is gets harder find the light each time the darkness grows thick around me. The war with depression is tedious, but it must be won. However, the skirmishes continue to no end.

I have been pill popping, on and off, for many years. The last round on them lasted for eight months, and everything was going okay. I was feeling better, didn’t want to hide, and the other beneficial factors were acting their parts also. Nonetheless, I stopped taking them, as I always do when feeling better. Within six months, the darkness had hidden the light again. The decision was made, and I was to go to counseling. I have gone to counseling before, but it never had an impact on me. This time it has to work. Four visits in and I want to stop going. I could give "reasons" why to stop, "I don’t like the counselor," "it's not working," "it's inconvenient," and so on. However, none of it would be true. The counselor is okay, and it's far from being inconvenient. A sense of lost however has filtered through the darkness. The darkness has been with me for so long, it is a part of me, and I would miss it. It is true it only brings me the feeling of, darkness. At least I know I can feel when the darkness is occupying me. I am not sure if I can feel anything but darkness. If I let it go, I might not be able to feel again.

It is occurring to me, I might be afraid of winning the war.